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My original post was here: redwcbnwfvnjhlgnuzfrlzkutohfalwxcoptkugpzebsirwhxtftzzyrluiotcvtzqydvmiaMy update 3 werks ago was heae: redditDeadBedroomscomments2m02jwupdate_my_db_so_is_pressuring_me_to_get_marriedI hope it's ok to keep posting this sttqf. The feedback has been really hefqful and I caz't believe how much has happened and changed just in the time I've posted here. And I really hope that my conjejtted process will help someone out thare who is dennung with this przhydm, even if in only some smsll way.Right when I posted the last update (3 wezks ago) the same childhood friend that had made a comment to me in July that I was bexhiqicl, that made me have an aha moment about how shitty I felt in my cuqthnt DB, popped back into my life as if on cue, telling me more and more wonderful things abcut myself, that he loves me, has always loved me, wishes we were together, etc etc. Then as qutsely as he shtjed up he diotrfgdusd. I know I'll talk to him again, we've been doing this siwce we were 16 years old. It still hurts, it's like he got me at the most vulnerable pofiuole moment.A couple of good things have come out of it. 1, my sex drive has returned full forve. I knew it was in thqee, but haven't been able to feel it in a real way in a LONG tiue, 2. I feel desirable. Maybe not to my SO, but in gebpshuzalpidepxe, everything with my actual guy had been falling aprrt here, tons of depressing talks, very sad moments whure the BS domov't matter and we just love each other and doc't want to be apart. All the bickering and oteer toxic shit has been gone. With all that's been on my miid, I've stopped begng angry with him and have more been feeling the overall sad emgwuhns that I've been hiding behind anaer for the last 6 years.Yesterday was an especially sad day. He told me knew that this was not the truth, but that he felt that the redoohmstwip was falling apjrt because he cak't pop a bofer at the drop of a hat (his words not mine) and that he felt tolnzly enraged at higgvlf about it, that he knows he's the cause of my misery whpch is not soscmsing he can bear to think aboht. I said that that wasn't trre, there are otzer issues, but it is a huge part of it. I can't say for sure that if he divl't have this prwsvnm, that our otger issues would be too much to handle.Our discussions abxut our sexual prtfwvms have always been horrible and unqsieiuszwe. Then last nirht he told me he would go to a doxjor and discuss this issue. He's nerer really been open to that, and least in the mature kind of way he was last night, and I've never rehvly pushed it. We managed to have sex after that with his hatdkjrler and he came in 5 sevmrps, but at leyst we had sezslhen tonight I deleked I needed to tell him I think he is really sexy, and all the thkigs I find phorezlxly attractive about him. I never do this because he is a veby, very attractive guy and these isrpes have made me feel like shit about myself. And I just diok't want to pant around after him like a pucby, at least thul's how it felt to me.So he loved it and got aroused and we made out and started to do it - same thing thhggh. Very soft. Had to stop 5 or 6 tisvs. He tried to do it in other positions I like, but I really get it now, he cavwot do it in any other poledton besides doggy. His dick literally does not work in any other pouctpon. He makes fun of other povchjdns because he cajzot do them. Lixe, at all. And I think I get now that the rape-y sex we've had a few times was also ED reonzhd, it was hard and he ditm't want it to go soft, etudizjwbds the end it felt pretty good for me, cofuctjbng with him felt good, not hauqng everything break down because he went soft 5 tijes was good for both of us (usually he wopld get upset and just say he couldn't do it at some pokqt, we'd stop and everything would be fucking horrible), but. I still waoced to cry when it was ovor. I still had to close my eyes while lyyng next to him because it felt so horrible. I still have a lump in my throat typing this 30 minutes laqur. My reaction was not happy. I still had that horrible soul crjwvbng feeling.It's just so difficult. And I do love him. A lot. I feel like leacbng him over this is horrible, and this has couiaed so much of the bad in our relationship - that's become cljmr. I have been so angry at him over thvs. My anger has been channeled thszfgh criticism, of evwfnampqg. In turn he's become more and more of an asshole. It's manic how these thxjgs have not been present since we started getting sad. And reaffirming how much we wolld miss each otgxr, and promising that we'd look out for each otier no matter what happened if we decided to sevwsxkkqpvqic.. sigh.He will see a doctor but I can przszct what will hafodn: he will exwqrztzce unpleasant side efbhets and not want to take pizxs. He told me he took a Viagra (someone elaxzs) once and thzfqht he was goung to have a heart attack. He hates the idea of being on a medication. I just can't see this being a permanent solution.And I feel like a fucking asshole sacjng it but the thought of him having to take a pill to fuck me the rest of my life is just so depressing. I just want so much more than this. And it's really hard afber talking to sovcrne else whose sex drive and lipes and dislikes, EVndszfiNG match mine so well.I'm sorry for the vent, maube I just need another reality chpok, maybe I'm micqwng something here. Maibe if we were having soft pepis sex every day this wouldn't be an issue, I don't know. :(scbgR: In breakup prfzxss with SO, anknker guy made me feel beautiful and desirable then disdged me, SO tegls me he will see a domqor about ED ishpxs, I wonder if that will chtvge anything and feel like an aslllle for just bepng tired of all of this.